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X-Men Headcanon 12: X-Cutioner's Song

7/22/2024

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Before I started working in comic book stores, I had read a handful of DC graphic novels and a few of the more famous Vertigo books but I'd mostly dipped in and out of the X-Men titles between 1986 and 2005ish. 1991 was probably the year I felt most invested in. I read X-Men, Uncanny X-Men, and X-Factor in issues. When trade paperbacks became a regular things, I bought what I could find of the 90s X-runs.  I was fully invested in what is, by and large, not a very good period of comic book history.

These four books have some fun stories that are going to lead into yet another big X-crossover. While three of them don't make my headcanon, and I am highly critical of them, they're all still ​very representative of this time in comics. X-Force being representative of the absolute worst of 90s comics, and while it has been trendy to mock Rob Liefeld's art for over thirty years, an equal amount of blame must go to Fabien Nicieza who has brazenly moved from terrible idea to terrible idea for over thirty years now, and he still somehow gets work.
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X-Factor Epic All New All Different by Peter David, Larry Stroman, Dale Keown, Tom Raney, Kevin West, and Brandon Peterson
X-Factor: Val Cooper, Havoc, Polaris, Madrox, Wolfsbane, Quicksilver, Strong Guy
1st Appearances: Slab, Gorgeous George, Ramrod, Ruckus, Hairbag
Also Featuring: Mr Sinister, Stryfe, Hulk, Rick Jones, Betty Ross, Forearm, Reaper, Wildside, Thumbelina, Strobe, Tempo, Zero, Cannonball, Professor X, Cyclops, Cyber


While not as iconic and near-perfect as his second run as X-Factor scribe in the 2000s, Peter David's 90s run did a wonderful job of fleshing out Madrox, Strong Guy, and Quicksilver who had always seemed fairly flat before this run. He also is the first writer to make a compelling Polaris storyline that isn't "she's crazy" or "she is too powerful and is therefore tied to some sort of portal so as not to make her an important part of the story." Her obsession with Havoc at the beginning makes it so that she Wolfsbane fail to pass the Bechdel test but as the series goes on, each of them is defined less by who they're in love with (Havoc, in both cases), and more with how their actions in battle affect them. 

The villain and hero names in this book are purposefully dreadful: Strong Guy, Hairbag, Ramrod? It's part of Peter David's career-long dad-joke plotting and narration. It is sometimes distracting in this early part of his X-Factor run but it's still a thousand times better than the non-plotting ADHD nonsense happening to The Extreme in some of the other X-books.

For me, the art is the weak spot of this book. I don't think anyone, including Larry Stroman's mother, thinks his blocky anatomy is in competition with the Image Founders who are working on the other X-books, apart from Liefeld. Stroman and Liefeld are on equal terms as neither of them are exceptionally talented but they both have committed to stylistic choices that have defined their careers. That said, this book is easy to follow and not at all ugly, which can not be said about Stroman's return to X-Factor in the 2000s, which looks like it was drawn by a four year old with a bad cocaine habit and no concept of anatomy.

This almost made my Headcanon. It's not the art that keeps it off the list, though, nor the dad jokes. It's just nowhere near as good as David's return to X-Factor fifteen years later, and I'm going to be including a bunch of those books. But I do recommend this, if you're jonesing for a 90s X-book, this is on-par with the two flagship books and miles better than the rest of the X-spinoffs.


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X-Force Epic Under The Gun by Rob Liefeld, Fabien Nicieza, Todd Macfarlane, Greg Capullo
X-Force: Cable, Cannonball, Boom-Boom, Warpath, Shatterstar, Feral, Domino
1st Appearance: Kane, Bridge, Tyler Tolliver, Phantazia, Thornn
Also Featuring: Stryfe, Forearm, Zero, Kamikaze, Wildside, Reaper, Thumbelina, Deadpool, Gideon, Sunspot, Black Tom, Siryn, Spider-Man, Juggernaut, Toad, Blob, Sauron, Pyro, Masque, Hydra, Baron Von Strucker, Sumo, Rictor, Wendigo


Much critique of this title in particular, and this era of the X-Men in general, focuses on how bad Rob Liefeld's art is. While I'm not a fan of his, this fails to take into account that Rob Liefeld is a considerably better artist than Fabien Nicieza is a writer.

There are no decent ideas anywhere in this book. Sure, there are plot points in issue #9 that are sort of relevant to other X-books, but is it necessary to read them here? Nah.

I recognize that "Hey, there's a bad guy, let's have a two issue fight scene about it," isn't a surprise when you're reading a mediocre comic but the X-books were usually much more focused on characters and tended to keep fight scenes just a few pages long while building up things like suspense. Nicieza doesn't know how to do that now, and certainly had no idea how to do that thirty years ago. So we get sprawling battles with occasional weird reveals that are quickly retconned by better writers (which is most writers).

If you like dumb, extreme violence from the 90s with the puzzlingly frequent use of the word zit, then this is the kind of book to pick up and laugh at. But if you're looking for a story? This is not the book for you.


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Wolverine Weapon X Unbound by Larry Hama, Marc Silvestri, Fabien Nicieza, Gerald DeCaire, Andy Kubert, and Darick Robertson
Also Featuring: Jubilee, Sabretooth, Silver Fox, Professor X, Jean Grey, Nick Fury, Jubilee, Cyclops, Forge, Mystique, Albert, Elsie-Dee, Spiral, Mojo, Shatterstar, Gambit, Matsuo, Mariko, Sunfire, Skullbuster Cylla

I haven't laughed so hard at unintentionally bad writing in a long time. The first issue deals with a bad boy who murders his dad, roughs up his mom, and kills indiscriminately to get his sweet, sweet drugs. It's written with the nuance and subtlety of a fourth grader who has never left their house, where they've been subjected to 1950s and 60s filmstrips about "greasers" and "pill poppers."

I don't know that I can ever take Larry Hama's writing seriously again. I hope he also gets a good laugh when he remembers he got paid to publish this steaming pile of cow patties.

Once the Don't Do Drugs Afternoon Special is over, Hama gets back on familiar turf, and while I don't love the story, it's miles better than that first issue. There are some decent character moments with Mystique, and an assortment of X-Men but the overall plot didn't grab me. The fact that the Elsie-Dee/Albert story keeps going even though it seemed like it was mercifully ended in the last volume is also disappointing.

Unless you read this as a kid and have some nostalgic fondness, I don't see this being the kind of book a casual or moderate comic fan would enjoy. Marc Silverstri and Andy Kubert's art is Incredibly 90s but in a Top Of The Class at 90s Comic Art School sort of way. I wish the stories were coherent enough to be worthy of their art.

If you liked the previous Larry Hama stories then I think you'll enjoy this one (apart from the first issue), and it does play off well against the early 1990s X-Men series fairly well, consistently using members of both the blue and gold teams.


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9. X-Men Epic Bishop's Crossing by Jim Lee, Whilce Portacio, John Byrne, Scott Lobdell, Howard Mackie, John Romita Jr, Andy Kubert, Tom Raney, Ron Wagner, and Rurik Tyler
X-Men Gold: Professor X, Storm, Jean Grey, Angel, Iceman, Colossus, Forge
1st Appearances: Mikhail Rasputin, Bishop, Trevor Fitzroy, Bella Donna
Also Featuring: Ghost Rider, Donald Pierce, Emma Frost, Shinobi Shaw, Roulette, Empath, Bevatron, Catseye, Tarot, Lady Deathstrike, Sentinels, Gateway, Sunfire, Gambit, Wolverine, Jubilee, Cyclops, Psylocke, Beast, Rogue, Opal, Mystique, Hiro, Callisto, Healer, The Brood

​
This is an especially pivotal story if you're a fan of X-Men The Animated Series and/or X-Men '97. As you can probably guess by the title, this is the debut and origin of Bishop. We also see some stories involving Colossus's lost brother, The Upstarts' ascendence, the beginning of the storyline where we learn the X-Men were betrayed and ultimately killed by one of their own, and this is where we first see that Cyclops has a wandering eye when there are other hot telepaths around. You can't put all the blame on Emma when it was her turn to get caught in his cheating eye beams.

This mainly makes headcanon because it packs a bunch of important 90s X-stories in just a few issues. Lee had great pacing here, and ideas that still resonate in modern comics. It's really a stark contrast between his books and the other X-books of the era. He just kept throwing out good ideas, and then moving on to other new ideas. He didn't abandon anything either, he just found ways to weave the ideas into each other. Brian K Vaughan gets a lot of credit for writing comics so that each page is like an episode of a show, and each issue is like a season with a cliffhanger that makes you want to tune in the next week. I'd argue that Lee, Whilce Portacio, and company were doing that twenty years earlier.

If you like 90s X-books, this is your jam, your bread, your peanut butter, and the knife you need to spread them. It's well worth the read, even if it isn't An Absolute Classic story.


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X-Men X-Cutioner's Song/X-Force Epic X-Cutioner's Song by Jim Lee, Fabien Nicieza, Peter David, Scott Lobdell, John Romita Jr, Brandon Peterson, Jae Lee, Andy Kubert, Greg Capullo, Lsrry Stroman, and Darick Robertson
X-Men Blue: Professor X, Cyclops, Beast, Wolverine, Rogue, Psylocke, Forge, Gambit, Jubilee

X-Men Gold: Storm, Jean Grey, Angel, Iceman, Colossus, Bishop
X-Factor: Val Cooper, Havoc, Polaris, Madrox, Wolfsbane, Quicksilver, Strong Guy
X-Force: Cable, Cannonball, Sunspot, Boom-Boom, Rictor, Shatterstar, Feral, Warpath, Siryn
1st Appearances: Mojo II The Sequel, Hazard
Also Featuring: Longshot, Mojo, Major Domo, Arize, Dazzler, Gogg, Gog N'Magog, Fleabag, Spiral, Lila Cheney, Maverick, Stryfe, Rusty, Skids, Domino, Bridge, Kane, Wildside, Reaper, Forearm, Tempo, Strobe, Dragoness, Sumo, Zero, Kamikaze, Charlotte Jones, Trish Tilby, Caliban, War, Famine, Prodigal, Moira MacTaggert, Foxbat, Psynapse, Gauntlet, Tusk, Hardrive, Mainframe, Magma, Empath, Firestar, Speedball, Nick Fury, Peter Gyrich
This was an overwhelming mess when I read it without the full context of the thirty years of comics that preceded it. It's a mistaken identity clone story, it's a family drama, it's a medical mystery, there's a few pages dealing with refugees, it's an intergenerational conflict, it's an action movie, it's A Lot to have to process without all the proper history before it.

With the proper history, it's ok. It's real strength is the combination of writers on this. Peter David had been writing dad-joke centric noir satire in X-Factor, Jim Lee and company had been writing classic superhero drama in the adjectiveless X-Men, and Fabien Nicieza had been writing family drama and time travel adventures in Uncanny X-Men while writing bland and unfocused action movie dialogue in X-Force. Together, the writing team tempered each other really well. David had to get focused on the intricacies of plot and inter-personal drama to balance Nicieza's action movie style so he dropped the dad jokes while finding a way to include the parts of his ongoing story that didn't seem like they meshed with the crossover. Lee and Lobdell seemed to be guiding the overall arcs to get the various books to move in new directions. Nicieza mostly got the fight scenes, which is clearly what he wanted to be doing. It made for a pretty fluid read. Again, if you've read everything before it.

There was also an odd but smart visual connection that all of the artists did for this book. While many of them had differing styles, they all took the second and third pages of their stories and paneled them landscape style instead of portrait style, so you had to turn the book sideways after you read the intro page, and then turn it back for the rest of the book. It didn't add anything other than a visual connective tissue but it was a neat device.

I had never realized before that Jae Lee, whose work I didn't start recognizing until he and David teamed up on The Gunslinger Born well over a decade later. Much of his work here is also focused and engagingly staged characters with minimal to no background images, which is a stark contrast to the noisy paneling of most 90s X-books. I'm going to have to do a read through of as much of his art as I can at some point.

I also forgot that Greg Capullo was involved with this era of X-books. I've always loved his DC work, particularly on Batman, and I even appreciate his work on Spawn, even if that isn't my favorite series to read.

So there's a lot to love, art-wise and editorially in this book. And if you're an X-pert (sorry) on Marvel's mutant section, I think this is a fun read but it was really frustrating as a reader who'd only read many X-books before, as opposed to pretty much all of them. So if you're a completist or deep into X-lore, this is a great pick. But if you're new to the X-books or a casual reader, this isn't where you should start.

It's also annoying that these volumes heavily overlap but they also each include stories pivotal to the readthrough that aren't published anywhere else.
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