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Ruminations on TV Shows,  Comics, And Music

Star Trek In Considerably Fewer Seasons, Season 6: Darmok And Jalad At Tenagra.

10/28/2017

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To watch all of The Star Trek franchise, it would take you nearly a month of no-sleep-marathoning. Nearly 550 hours at this point. Twenty-four days. AND THEY'RE STILL MAKING MORE. You don't have that kind of time.

I've attempted to put together a much more condensed series of Star Trek. Dividing it into ten episode seasons. For the most part, these are My Favorite Episodes. I've left out some that are historically important episodes, in favor of things that I found fun to watch. If you're a Trekkie or Trekker, or just consider yourself a fan, I may have left off your favorite episode. Sorry. But this is more a list for people like me, who had seen an episode here and there, were interested in seeing more, but don't want to invest in the whole 530+ hours. I'm doing it, so others don't have to.

Season Four saw TNG mainly through the lens of Data, and Season Five was Worf-heavy. In watching the beginning of TNG, I thought I'd misremembered Picard. He was as much a lucky, mostly incompetent buffoon as Kirk was in TOS. But, unlike his counterpart, Picard makes fewer and lesser mistakes as the series evolves. We also get to see the family dynamic of the crew in a way that we didn't quite get with TOS, which focused almost exclusively on Kirk/Spock, Kirk/McCoy, Spock/McCoy.

Much of this season also focuses on new alien races, some which will become prominent later in the continuity, and some which we will never encounter again. And, unlike the previous two seasons in this chronology, there is no intended story arc to this season. This is just interesting sci-fi from a crew you, hopefully, already like.


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Episode 1: First Contact
(Picard, Riker, Troi, Crusher, Data, Worf)

Prime Directive episodes are usually tedious interactions where different crew members argue over whether or not to help some world that they probably imperiled in the first place. I've spared you from most of them. In this episode, they've pretty much been caught violating The Prime Directive, despite their best efforts to blend in to an alien populace. This is a damage control episode where the crew tries to work diplomatically to rescue Riker, who was undercover as a Malcorian. There's a lot of American political allegory that is still, sadly, relevant, twenty-six years after this episode aired, but it's not as heavy handed as Star Trek allegory often is.



Episode 2: Allegiance
(Picard, Riker, Crusher, Troi, Worf, Laforge, Data, Wesley)

It wasn't so long ago that Picard was captured by The Borg and assimilated, so you'd think they'd up security on The Enterprise, but, no, I am unsure if there is a single season where whomever is captaining The Enterprise at any given moment, isn't abducted by someone he can't identify (or Q, it is often Q). This episode serves as a morality play for Picard while the rest of the crew contends with a mostly ineffectual Picard doppelganger.


Episode 3: Future Imperfect
(Riker, Picard, Crusher, Laforge, Data, Worf, Troi)

After a noxious gas incident with Worf and Laforge, Riker wakes up to discover he's forgotten sixteen years of his life, and he's now Captain of The Enterprise. This is what Kirk would have called a Tuesday. Will this episode mean the entire chronology jumps forward sixteen years? 

No.


Episode 4: Tin Man
(Troi, Picard, Data, Riker, Laforge, Wesley)

Despite being an ensemble-focused show, most TNG episodes have one character at the core of its storyline. Picard, Riker, and Worf stories are usually fantastic (after season two), Data and Crusher stories are interesting, Wesley stories can grate, Troi stories are insufferable, and Laforge stories are always focused on how much he sucks, even though he's fun and competent as a secondary character. This is, so far, the only Troi episode I've made it all the way through, and I quite enjoyed it. Another Betazoid joins the crew to learn about a seemingly sentient spaceship. There's an interesting angle with Data, some Romulans cause havoc, all-in-all, it's just a solid episode where the writers finally make interesting use of Troi.


Episode 5: Darmok
(Picard, Riker, Troi, Worf, Data, Laforge, Crusher)

I feel this episode is best if, like the characters, you have no idea what you're getting into. It's my favorite episode of the season.


Episode 6: Ensign Ro
(Picard, Ro, Guinan, Riker, Data, Worf, Crusher, Troi, Laforge)

Starfleet shenanigans put a court martialed officer of a race made refugee by The Cardassians (who we are seeing for the first time in this chronology, but who will be hugely important as we progress). It's an interesting look at prejudice, and how politicians use terrorism and tragedy for their own ends. Something Star Trek often attempts, but rarely pulls off.


Episode 7: Disaster
(Picard, O'Brien, Ro, Troi, Riker, Data, Crusher, Laforge, Worf)

Several disaster movie cliches are overlapped in the most character-driven episode since "Family". The O'Brien/Ro/Troi interplay is my favorite non-main character study so far in the chronology. Also, it's nice to see a story where kids are just annoying children as opposed to spooky, powerful menaces.


Episode 8: The Game
(Wesley, Riker, Picard, Crusher, Data, Laforge, Worf, O'Brien)

The idea that games in the twenty-fourth century would look like a version of golf they designed for Windows 3.0 is quaint. This is an actually fun Wesley-focused episode. Wesley actually left the series previous to this episode but his send-off episode is Terrible. So, this will be our sayonara to Wesley Crusher. It's the episode that the annoying boy genius deserves.  It's also a heavy handed treatise on the addictiveness of video games, but it's So Ridiculous and Over The Top that it's hard to be annoyed by it.


Episode 9: A Matter Of Time
(Picard, Crusher, Riker, Data, Laforge, Worf, Troi)

An annoying time traveler (Max Headroom...aka Dr. Leekie from Orphan Black) shows up to observe what he claims is a pivotal mission for The Enterprise. It's a fun twist on a Prime Directive episode as the crew are the ones being kept in the dark to preserve the time continuum Or Whatever. It's mainly fun to watch an actor portray an annoying character and not have it be agonizing to watch.


Episode 10: Redemption
(Worf, Picard, Guinan, Data, Riker, Yar)

After all these one-off adventures, we finally tie into a major storyline, as we revisit the chaos of The Klingon empire. It's a direct sequel to "Reunion", though much time has elapsed. It's a satisfying conclusion(?) to the story arc begun in "Sins Of The Father".

Episode 11: Unification
(Picard, Spock, Data, Sarek, Riker, Yar, Worf, Troi, Crusher, Laforge)

Let's put aside the Klingons for a bit and get back to Vulcans and Romulans. And not just any Vulcans and Romulans but Sarek and Spock from The Original Series, and Tasha Yar's evil daughter from "Redemption". It's one of the best political strategy episodes so far. 


Episode 12: Conundrum
(Picard, Crusher, Riker, Ro, Troi, Worf, Data, Laforge)

Another Star Trek trope. Everyone loses their memory. How will they get it back? Is this crewman we've never seen before somehow the culprit? Of course he is. But the way they discover the solution makes for a fun watch.


Episode 13: I Borg
(Picard, Crusher, Laforge, Guinan, Data, Riker, Troi, Worf)

The Borg are interesting villains in that they don't care to kill or acknowledge individuals, they are only interested in assimilating entire species at once. So when the crew of The Enterprise rescues a single Borg, against the wishes of Picard, Guinan, and most of the crew, everyone has to reevaluate their position on TNG's biggest bad. This episode gave me one the most positive visceral reactions to a Star Trek episode I've ever had.


Episode 14: Chain Of Command
(Picard, Crusher, Worf, Riker, Troi, Data, Laforge)

When Picard is sent on an undercover mission in Cardassian territory, a new Starfleet Asshole takes over The Enterprise, and following the trope of every TOS and TNG episode, the new captain is an incompetent jackass. If only we could hope that everything would be returned to normal before the next episode. Ahhhhhh, formula.


Episode 15: Relics
(Scott, Laforge, Picard, Riker, Crusher, Worf, Data)

One of the best episodes of the series, the crew of The Enterprise finds Commander Scott from TOS trapped in a transporter loop. Not only is this the best episode featuring Scott of the series, it's one of the best Laforge episodes, too. That's three "best"s in one paragraph. It seems as though I enjoyed this treatise on how quickly technology makes the old seem obsolete.


Episode 16: Next Phase
(Ro, Laforge, Picard, Crusher, Riker, Data, Worf)

From aging to death. And, once again, a transporter is at the center of it, as Ro and Laforge are believed dead, but have actually been phased in such a way that they can observe the crew but can not be observed, except by each other. 


Episode 17: Tapestry
(Picard, Q, Crusher, Riker, Worf)

Continuing the theme of probable death and afterlife, Picard is on the brink of death and is confronted with his god, Q. Yeup, scampy jerkface is back and guiding Picard through an afterlife with the possibility of returning to life. It's an interesting on how one's choices in life rarely affect the people we become.

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A Masochist's Journey To The Dark Tower, Part 4: The Eyes Of The Dragon

10/25/2017

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Last month, I suggested a reading order for the extended universe of Stephen King's The Dark Tower, a series I loved, but hadn't read any of since Volume 7: The Dark Tower came out in 2004. I realized that I missed the characters from the series, and wondered if the reading order I suggested would really hold someone's interest all the way through. I scoured some local bookstores, and then the internet for the hardcovers of the books, and prepared for my quest to read a Super Long series of books. ​

Apart from the problematic portions, and the religious philosophy sections, rereading The Stand was like being in your thirties and running into a friend you haven't seen since elementary school. Someone you weren't super close with, but you wish you had been, and they wish you had been. Imperfect, sure, but reacquainting yourselves greatly improves your mundane week. The next book in my chronology is a favorite of a few friends of mine. But, unless I'm misremembering something from down the line, it is My Least Favorite Part Of This Chronology By Far.

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I tell you this because I care. The solace we take from speaking calmly to children is not reciprocal. We imagine the wide eyes of toddlers when we yell as fear of volume. But it is only fear of consequences. Should you calmly explain to the niece or nephew who just dropped your indoor cat from your second story window to see if it would land on its feet, that the next time (s)he touches your cat with any intention other than petting, you will cut out the child's eyes and serve them to their parents as vitreous soup, they will be much more filled with wide-eyed terror than if you scream "No TV Or Internet For A Week, You Little Monster!" at full volume.

It's never about volume. 

When I was eleven, and terrified of horror movies, I got heavily into the work of Stephen King, so my mostly calm parents, my don't-shield-him-from-horror parents, my encourage-him-to-read-whatever-he-wants-because-he's-at-least-reading-more-than-his-idiot-friends parents, my last-year-it-was-judy-blume-maybe-next-year-it-will-be-tolstoy parents bought me the latest Stephen King paperback, The Eyes Of The Dragon.

I hated it.

As you, dear reader, doubtlessly know, writers who speak to children in hushed tones are often speaking in condescension. Should I explain this further? Many writers imagine children, not their own, mind you, but others' children, are stupid. They believe their writing should be as plain and calmly intoned as possible to help educate the child reader . By spelling out every plot point by having the protagonist's sidekick repeat the lesson that the reader has, no doubt, already inferred, in conversation to another character, the writer feels they have accomplished two things. One: the child has learned the lesson because it was  echoed at them. Two: If a parent is reading the story to the child, they will be subconsciously annoyed by the repetition of the lesson, and it will stick in their brain, so that they feel the need to discuss that point with the child, if they somehow manage to stay awake through the reading.

Stephen King is not a writer who aims his books at children. At eleven, I was unlikely to be who he imagined as his ideal reader for It, Cujo, Salem's Lot, and The Shining. But he wrote the Eyes Of The Dragon for his daughter. A girl. Someone around my age when I read the book. This book was written for someone in my demographic, and thus should have been my favorite.

I hated it.

I could not, and did not, gentle reader, express why I hated The Eyes Of The Dragon when I was eleven. I do not remember how many pages my eyes traversed before I put the book on my shelf. I don't believe I ever told whichever parent bought me the book, that I found it boring. That it did not interest me to read it further.

As an adult, I can share with you the truth. The Eyes Of The Dragon is a somewhat interesting premise for a thirty page fairy tale. This is the kind of story you should tell your child in an hour. It is not The Lord Of The Rings. Nor The Hobbit. 

There is, of course, an exercise commonly given to writers where you condense a story into Cliff Notes. It's part of the Murder Your Darlings school of editing. And King, as frequent murderer of fictional characters, should more have embraced this practice in his creation of The Eyes Of the Dragon, and presented us with a short story, instead of a novel.

Again, I have conversed with several friends who proclaim that The Eyes Of The Dragon is one of, if not their absolute, favorite novels of Stephen King. I mean those people's opinions no shade. Some people enjoy being condescended to. Or, mayhap, they read this book when they were young, and used to being spoken down to, and it reminds them of a time when they were safely coddled. They are welcome to this retreat. I, too, enjoy some children's books that I read as a child, that I probably would not have enjoyed if I'd first encountered them as an adult. 

So, if I, as an adult who is creating a chronology where I am in complete control, did not enjoy this book, whyfor am I recommending you read it? Merely because your taste in writing may differ? As a palette cleanser for the epicly long, more adult-focused apocalyptic The Stand, which you have just finished reading before making it this far?

I leave you to provide the answer at your discretion. Assume you know me well enough to be correct.

I have mostly included it because the villain of the book is Randall Flagg, also the villain of The Stand, which I mentioned earlier. He has the same powers, and the same agenda, but now, instead of being in a disease ravaged twentieth century America, he is in a fairy tale land of kings and baronies. Instead of crucifying his betrayers on the lampposts of Las Vegas, he has them beheaded in the main square. He is still as cunning, as red eyed, and mysterious as The King's Magician, as he was as The Walking Dude. And, just like in The Stand, we don't spend nearly as much time with him as we do with the much less interesting characters who surround him.

I know you are eager to get to The Dark Tower. You wonder why we are two books in and have met A Roland, but not The Roland who will serve as The Dark Tower's protagonist. Why even bother with this world of The Eyes Of The Dragon.

The answer is simple. This book takes place in Roland's world. Some of the language King uses in The Dark Tower series sneaks in. Characters you will not see for several books are casually referenced. Devices that will not be used for thousands of more pages of this chronology, are seen. Their import not quite yet understood. It is the building of a world, and, while it was excruciating for me, it is well loved enough by others for me to believe you would benefit from knowing this story.

There are, over the course of the three hundred pages, several promises by the narrator that we will encounter certain characters again. At the end of this book, you might be tempted to believe that Thomas and Dennis's quest is the journey to The Dark Tower that we will be following. Alas, this will be the last we hear of them. It is time for us to join The Roland on the main quest. 

Place this bedtime tale on your nightstand, and give its protagonists no more of your thoughts. Be familiar enough in the world presented here to travel A Bit East and join a more adult crew. Go, now. There are better worlds than this.

Stray observation:

--at only 367 pages, this book was just about 1/3 the length of The Stand, but felt three times as long, bringing us to a total of 1,520 pages of Randall Flagg so far.

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Star Trek In Considerably Fewer Seasons, Season 5: A Human Being After All

10/24/2017

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To watch all of The Star Trek franchise, it would take you nearly a month of no-sleep-marathoning. Nearly 550 hours at this point. Twenty-four days. AND THEY'RE STILL MAKING MORE. You don't have that kind of time.

I've attempted to put together a much more condensed series of Star Trek. Dividing it into ten episode seasons. For the most part, these are My Favorite Episodes. I've left out some that are historically important episodes, in favor of things that I found fun to watch. If you're a Trekkie or Trekker, or just consider yourself a fan, I may have left off your favorite episode. Sorry. But this is more a list for people like me, who had seen an episode here and there, were interested in seeing more, but don't want to invest in the whole 530+ hours. I'm doing it, so others don't have to.

This is pretty much The Best Of Season Three of Star Trek The Next Generation, reimagined as an episodic arc about alternate timelines. There are no TOS, Enterprise, Discovery, DS9, Voyager, or Picard episodes. Though multiple series will return for the next season.

While Season Four dealt mostly with Data and his Pinnochio Desires, this season we get to spend some time trying to understand Worf and Klingon culture. We also get to see pretty much every crew member at their best at one point this season, with no (S)He goes irrationally crazy and threatens to destroy the ship/the universe/Troi's favorite Yoga Pillow, except, maybe once... I also like imagining this continuity as a complete story that TNG never offered.
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Star Trek Season 5:
A Human Being After All

Episode 1: Where No One Has Gone Before 
(Wesley, Picard, Riker, Crusher, Laforge, Data, Traveler)

An annoying faux-engineer and his alien counterpart, The Traveler, trying to improve The Enterprise's warp drive. They end up being hurtled far beyond charted space, where they are left at the end of the episode. This is a pro-Wesley episode.



Episode 2: Q Who 
(Picard, Q, Riker, Troi, Data, Laforge, Crusher)

I LOATHE Q. He's my least favorite recurring character in all of the Star Trek franchise. But there's no denying his existence, as he pops up in some crucial episodes. For my continuity's sake, the crew mever got back to charted territory in the last episode, so they're still trying to figure out where to go when they encounter the weird Q moron, who leads them straight into the cubey hands of the newest Star Trek enemy race: The Borg!



Episode 3: Remember Me
(Crusher, Picard, Wesley, Traveler,  Laforge, Wesley, Data, Troi, Worf, O'Brien)

Returning from their Borg mission, Enterprise docks at a Starfleet base. One of Dr. Crusher's old professors visits the ship, but soon after his arrival, he disappears, and there is no record of him ever existing. Slowly, but surely, the whole Enterprise Crew also starts to disappear. This sounds like some Traveler shenanigans.


Episode 4: Peak Performance
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(Picard, Riker, Data, Worf,  Wesley, Troi, Pulaski, Laforge, O'Brien)

It's time for war games between Picard and Riker, with the bridge crew being divided between them, as well as Data and a strategy expert (think of an entertainingly weasley chess master) battling over a game of Strategem (think of a Nintendo Wii version of speed chess, that they never explain the rules to...which is to the benefit of the episode). Naturally, something happens that turns the war games into an important life or death struggle. This episode features Pulaski instead of Crusher, as I like to imagine she is still missing from the events of the last episode.


Episode 5: The Emissary 
(Worf, Picard, Riker, Troi, Data, Laforge, Pulaski)

Not my favorite episode but it introduces Worf's ex, a half-Klingon/half-human political ambassador whose existence is vital to later continuity.  Also, still no Beverly Crusher. 


 
Episode 6: Contagion
(Picard, Riker, Laforge, Worf, Data, Troi, Wesley, Pulaski, O'Brien

A computer related  problem, a lost Starfleet vessel, Romulans, and Pulaski. It's not a great episode, but it has an interesting conceit. And ... no Crusher.


Episode 7: Time Squared 
(Picard, Pulaski, Riker, Data, Laforge, Troi, O'Brien)

For our continuity's sake, the technological problem from Contagion is the cause of another glitch, this one phases Picard slightly out of synch with the universe. The crew, including Doctor Pulaski, barely manage to fix the problem, and save Picard. But the slight rip in time leads to 



Episode 8: Yesterday's Enterprise
(Picard, Data, Yar, Guinan, Riker, Worf, Laforge, Wesley, Crusher)

A rip in time causes a dimensional change that's a bit like The Mirror Universe we explored in Season Three. The crew isn't evil, but their timeline has changed, and Yar, who died offscreen during the previous season, is back. When they encounter a previous Enterprise crew (the crew from between TOS and TNG), they know they have to send the ship back to its original time, where they all will die, in order to prevent the Starfleet/Klingon war that dominates this Mirrorverse.  Any scenes with Beverly Crusher before the time rip are edited out. So that there's some shock for the viewers (but not the crew, who don't know that their timeline has been altered) when both she and Tasha Yar are alive again and part of the crew. Unlike Yar, though, Dr. Crusher gets to stick around, and much like in the actual series, Pulaski is never mentioned, as though she never existed at all.


Episode 9: Evolution
(Wesley, Picard, Riker, Data, Laforge, Crusher, Worf, Troi)

Dr. Bob Kelso from Scrubs was an insufferable prick in the Star Trek universe, as well. His science mission comes in conflict with one of Wesley's school experiments, which is in conflict with The Enterprise's computer. This is one of the best Wesley episodes in the series, and has him acting like his mom was merely away for a while on a mission, and not that she ceased to exist for a while.


Episode 10: The Defector
(Picard, Riker, Data, Worf, Crusher, Laforge, Troi)

For most of the series, the Romulans have been an offscreen threat. We don't even know precisely why they're at war with Starfleet, other than they both want to explore the world and claim it as their own. In this episode, a top officer from The Romulans defects to Starfleet, claiming he knows about a weapon that will change the tide of war. 


Episode 11: Deja Q
(Q, Picard, Riker, Data, Worf, Laforge, Troi, Guinan, Crusher)

Q is a godlike creature with a penchant for drama. He's the Scrappy Doo of Star Trek but with unlimited power, which he only uses to be infuriating. But in this episode, he's had his powers stripped by other members of the Q continuum, and is not a threat, just a withstandable annoyance. Also, a moon is going to crash into its planet, killing millions if The Enterprise can't figure out a way to change its course. My continuity tweak would be to make his failure to help with the Borg situation earlier in the season the reason he is punished.


Episode 12: Sins Of The Father
(Worf, Picard, Riker, Data, Wesley, Laforge, Crusher, Troi)

Last season, we saw Riker transferred to a Klingon ship as part of an exchange program. This season, a Klingon officer comes to work on The Enterprise. But, OH SHIT, it's Worf's younger brother, and he has some distressing family news.


Episode 13:  The Survivors
(Picard, Riker, Worf, Laforge, Data, Crusher, Troi, Wesley)

A standalone story about a couple who mysteriously survives the otherwise complete destruction of their planet. The one edit I would make, is that the male survivor turns out to be the same species as The Traveler.


Episode 14: Reunion
(Worf, Picard, Riker, Data, Wesley, Laforge, Crusher, Troi)

The fallout of "Sins Of The Father" come into play, and one of Worf's exes shows up to help mitigate it. She's brought a surprise, and so have they.

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Serial 1: Best Of Both Worlds
(Riker, Picard, Data, Worf, Laforge, Crusher, Wesley, Guinan, Troi)

The Borg are back in town! And they abduct one of The Enterprise crew and turn them into The Borg before heading to Earth to assimilate the human race.


Episode 17: Family
(Picard, Worf, Troi, Riker, Crusher, Wesley)

After the cataclysmic events of the last episode, the crew has some down time, and we get some insight on the off-mission lives of Picard, Worf, and the Crushers. This is unlike any other TNG episode, and it's a cool change of pace. And a precursor to something that will take place several seasons in the future.
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A Masochist's Journey To The Dark Tower, Part 3: The Stand

10/22/2017

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Last month, I suggested a reading order for the extended universe of Stephen King's The Dark Tower, a series I loved, but hadn't read any of since Volume 7: The Dark Tower came out in 2004. I realized that I missed the characters from the series, and wondered if the reading order I suggested would really hold someone's interest all the way through. I scoured some local bookstores, and then the internet for the hardcovers of the books, and prepared for my quest to read a Super Long series of books. ​

You made it! You're 1,000 pages into the longest book on the list, and you finally have a vague idea of what The Stand actually is. It's a typo. This whole post-apocalyptic plague story is about the origin of the Nu-Metal rock group, Staind. As rock related merchandising goes, it's at least better than Kiss Meets The Phantom Of The Park.
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Everyone good is flawed. Everyone evil is flawed. Nobody is as good a spy as they imagine when they watch espionage films. Having sex with someone you don't care about, just because you're lonely and don't like your neighbors won't necessarily get you killed, but it's not going to make either of you feel better in the long run. Everything's cyclical. Fanaticism will get you killed every time, no matter whether or not you think you or the focus of your devotion is benevolent, or lets you get away with your sinful behavior.

The last third of The Stand is much like the first third, in that it's a road trip story. Only this time, instead of a bunch of survivors journeying to stay alive, it's a bunch of survivors who all assume they're traveling towards their death. And they're not all wrong. 

Having read this at very different parts of my life, I want you to know it's not a book with a satisfying ending (and I don't mean the tiny epilogue, which you should actually skip entirely), but I think it's the right ending for a story like this. I don't think it will make you angry or sad. It's just not a blockbuster ending, even though the beginning of the book seems to be setting up a blockbuster event. 

There is, finally, a ton of Randall Flagg in this section. You get a peek at some of his villainous potential, and some of his fallibility. As I mentioned in the previous paragraph, there's a short epilogue that shows you what happens to Flagg post-The Stand. SKIP IT. It's 20th century well-intentioned, maybe, racist, and in the the story of this chronology, completely irrelevant. If I were editing the books for this chronology, it would be one the two hundred or so pages I'd chop out. I'd replace it with the first chapter of the next book, The Eyes Of The Dragon, to give it that Nightmare On Elm Street ending that Randall Flagg sort of earns.


Stray observations:

--It never gets easier in a post-apocalyptic world, huh? "Oh no, almost everyone is dead. What should we do now? Kill more people? OK!"

--Stephen King was really figuring out his voice in this book. In many ways, I enjoy the way he writes in this book more than his work from when he was a more Established Writer, and certainly more than his current status as a Legendary Writer. I'm certainly going to miss his voice in the next book.

--While not every agnostic character makes it out of this book alive, NONE of the religious people do.  And given how all of the religious people behave, whether they worship God, Satan, Mother Abigail, Randall Flagg, themselves, or agnosticism (never get high on your own farts), I highly approve of clearing them all off the board.

--This book was only 1,153 pages from cover to cover. A breeze. And there's only twenty or so more books to go, right?

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A Masochist's Journey To The Dark Tower, Part 2: On The Border

10/20/2017

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Last month, I suggested a reading order for the extended universe of Stephen King's The Dark Tower, a series I loved, but hadn't read any of since Volume 7: The Dark Tower came out in 2004. I realized that I missed the characters from the series, and wondered if the reading order I suggested would really hold someone's interest all the way through. I scoured some local bookstores, and then the internet for the hardcovers of the books, and prepared for my quest to read a Super Long series of books. 

I know this seems a little early to say, but if you can make it through this section, you can make it through the whole chronology, as this is a long trudge through world building between an amazing first section of an epic, and the actual action of the third act. I ended up skipping some chunks of this section, and you can to, without fear that you're missing any part of the Dark Tower journey.
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Voiceover: Meet Randall Flag. He's just a regular guy in a regular world. 

(A guy wearing jeans and cowboy boots shrugs at the camera.)

Voiceover: Until one wacky summer when the American government accidently unleashes a supervirus killing billions of people, and the American survivors start to see him as Our Dark Lord, Satan.

(Guy In Jeans And Cowboy Boots's eyes turn red.)

Voiceover: It's like The Hangover but instead of a bunch of bachelors, it's hardened criminals doing community service by having to rebuild Las Vegas in a post apocalyptic world, while a bunch of hippies follow a crazy religious lady from Nebraska to Colorado.

(A pregnant lady, a filthy teenager, a kid holding a knife, a woman with a white streak in her hair, a guy holding a guitar and wearing sunglasses, a sixty year old professory type, and an average Joe are all playing hackey sack when a Very Old Black Woman shows up...a record scratches)


I don't think I ever watched the first TV miniseries version of The Stand, and I definitely haven't seen the remake, but I imagine they mainly skipped this second section. There are some necessary plot points to get us to the third section of the book, but there's also a ton of Mother Abigail backstory and a focus on religion that you, thankfully, don't find in most Stephen King books. 

Scott Woods has a whole lecture on Stephen King's Magical Negro Problem, and that trope
is in full force in this book, as Mother Abigail is really given no depth, except that she's old, and people were really racist to her when she was young. Oh, and she thinks God has been speaking through her, and that's why she was Freddy Kruegering people in the first section of the book.

I skipped most of the chapters that focused on her. It was clear that, since she was one hundred and (mutters under breath) at the beginning of the book that she probably wasn't going to make it to the end, why bother getting to know her? We want to know more about this Randall Flagg guy, and how he convinced The Bad Survivors Of the Plague to go to Vegas and help him. And we get some perspective on that, but not enough.

What I like about the dividing up of people between Randall Flagg ad Mother Abigail is that it's not actually Good People vs. Bad People, it's mostly Efficient People vs. Dreamers. Everyone is flawed, and most people mean well. The people who don't mean well are in Vegas AND Boulder, and neither Flagg nor Mother Abigail really know their motives, which speaks to a more humanist view than the religious Good Vs Evil trope that's being set up for The Stand. And we still don't know what The Stand is or will be in this section of the book.

This is the longest section of the book, and it feels like it, at over 500 pages. As I said in the intro, if you can make it through this, you can make it through the whole chronology. It's not bad writing, it's just not as fun and attention-grabbing as the first section, and it's not as consequential as what follows, but you do get some quality time with Randall Flagg, who's going to be with us to the bitter end of this journey.

Stray observations:

--I really did skip through most of the Mother Abigail story. It's tedious, and is clearly a White Dude from Maine trying to write about the difficulties of growing up a Black child in the midwest, and that's not what Stephen King is known for. Nor should it be what he's known for.

--Don't ever get too attached to anyone who seems like they might be a protagonist in this book. It will blow up in your face.

--Who says this chronology is long? We're already 2 parts in, and it's only 927 pages so far.

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