I was a Big Brother in high school. A group of us signed up to be mentors, and spent our late Friday afternoons/early evenings playing sports, board games, pinball, and having dinner. It was as much a bonding between the Bigs as it was between the Bigs and the Littles. And when the Littles went home, a bunch of us would go to the nearest dorm basement and, along with some of our non-mentoring friends, check out the weirdness that was "X-Files".

The first college I went to only really got together to watch "Friends", which isn't at all why I left but does say something about the people at that school. After one semester, I transferred to a school where a bunch of us would get together and watch things like "Buffy The Vampire Slayer", and, of course, "X-Files".

I've watched many TV series over the years, and when I'm watching things on my own, I tend to enjoy it but not absorb it as much. I haven't watched X-Files (except some of the new stuff) in decades. Yet, even reading the first sentence of an episode description, I'll go "Oh yea! That one! I loved that one." or "Ugh. Doggett." I remember laughing at a bunch of "Friends" episodes, but I can read the complete plot of an episode and have no idea whether or not I'd seen it. I guess I never caught "The One That Was Memorable."

Below is Season Two of an X-Files watchlist.

Episode 11: The Erlenmeyer Flask
(Mulder, Scully, Deep Throat, Smoking Man, Crew Cut Man)

Technically, the final episode of Season 1, I like this much better as the beginning of a season. All of the major characters that have been in play so far have their stories evolved drastically, both the government mystique storylines and the sci-fi premise amped up to eleven. And we get a character death, along with the three words that changed the franchise, and are the title of this reimagined season.


​Episode 12: Little Green Men
(Mulder, Scully, Smoking Man, Skinner, Richard Matheson)

The X-Files get shut down on a fairly regular basis over the course of the series, but it's surprising that their first closure is this early. This episode has Mulder doubting his beliefs from the previous season only to be flung into a new extraterrestrial adjacent adventure. Scully, no longer his partner, tries to track him down. Also, we meet Skinner for the first time!


Episode 13: The Host
(Mulder,  Scully, Skinner, X)
​A creepy Monster Of The Week story involving flukeworms that unfolds as Mulder considers leaving the FBI.


Episode 14: Duane Barry
(Mulder, Scully, Krycek, Duane Barry)

Meet Alex Krycek, he's Mulder's new FBI partner, and he absolutely sucks. He tags along when Mulder investigates a former FBI agent who claims to be a multiple-time alien abductee. Eventually, Scully joins in, and all goes higgledy-piggledy.


Episode 15: Ascension
(Mulder, Scully, Smoking Man, Skinner, Krycek, X, Duane Barry)

Continuing from the previous episode, Mulder and Krycek must find Scully, who has been kidnapped! Why? Well, it is super complicated, but in a fun adventury way. Also, oooh, the X-Files are already reopened.


Episode 16: One Breath
(Mulder, Scully, Smoking Man, Skinner, X)

Scully is back but something is ... different. Something that will be important to the rest of the series.


Episode 17: Irresistable
(Mulder, Scully)

A Monster Of The Week Story where maybe the monster is just human? Because, like, there are some real monsters out there.


Episode 18: Die Hand Die Verletzt
(Mulder, Scully)

A Monster Of The Week Story where the monster is modern religion, which, like creates some real monsters.


Episode 19: Colony
(Mulder, Scully, Skinner, Alien Bounty Huter)

Aliens! Aliens! This whole series has been about dealing with aliens, so let's get some aliens back. This episode ties the greater mythology to Mulder's childhood. This episode is a blast, but where is it leading?

​
Episode 20: Endgame
(Mulder, Scully, Skinner, X, Alien Bounty Hunter)

Aliens? Or clones? Or alien clones? A very action-oriented follow-up to the previous episode is a very satisfying stopping point to our second season, as Mulder and Scully are now both totally invested in figuring out what the X is going on.

Despite being on air for only a little over half as long, The Simpsons have almost as many episodes in its run as Doctor Who. It's The Longest Running Primetime non-news show Ever. Not the longest running cartoon, or the longest running four-fingered yellow people show, the longest fictional program in primetime TV ever. And it's there because it used to be Excellent, and then it was pretty okay, and it's still sometimes watchable.

At the beginning of the year, I put on episode one in the background while I worked, and I went all the way through season thirty-effen-one. It was A Lot. And I remembered way more episodes than I imagined I would. Possibly because I had a coworker in the early 2000s who had Seasons 1-10 or so playing in the store we worked at on a fairly regular basis.

I thought, How Would I Begin To Make This A More Watchable Endeavor While Not Skipping Too May Classic Pop Culture References? Well, I made a system.

Because continuity isn't important very often, I allowed myself to play around with the order of the episodes, so that if there were seven great Bart episodes in a row, but no good Lisa episodes for a while, it wouldn't feel too repetetive. I think, unlike most series,  The Simpsons really benefits from having more structure to its watching order. Starting in Season Two, I lock down the formula a bit tighter, but in Season One we establish that every season is fifteen episodes, the fifth episode of every season will have Bart's name in it, the ninth episode of every season will feature a secondary character (almost always Flanders but not exclusively Flanders), the tenth episode will almost always somehow include Sideshow Bob, and the season will close with a Treehouse Of Horror. Again, Season Two will present even more rules, but this is a good start. 

​Establishing Episode: Simpsons Roasting On An Open Fire
"I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?"
"Ow! Quit it. Ow! Quit it. Ow! Quit it."


Episode 2: Life On The Fast Line
"Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!"


Episode 3: Homer's Night Out
"This is a family nuclear power plant, Simpson. Our research indicates that over fifty percent of our power is used by women."


Episode 4: The Crepes Of Wrath
"How can you defend a country where 5% of the people control 95% of the wealth?"


Episode With Bart In Its Title: Bart Gets An 'F'
"This is as good as I can do, and I still failed!"


Episode 6: Simpson And Delilah
"Hitler, North Dakota?"


Episode 7: Two Cars In Every Garage, Three Eyes On Every Fish
"Oh, look! Some careless person has left thousands and thousands of dollars just lying here on my coffee table. Uh, Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we return, the pile of money will be gone."  (Burns leaves, then returns a few moments later) "D'oh, look Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are still here."


Episode 8: Dancin' Homer
"A Simpson on a t-shirt. I never thought I'd see the day."


Hi Diddly Ho It's A Flanders Episode: Dead Putting Society
"Why do I get the feeling that one day I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?"


Terwilliger, It's Sideshow Bob: Krust Gets Busted
"Take him away, boys."


Episode 11: Bart Vs Thanksgiving
"Oh, we have lots of names for these people. Bums, deadbeats, losers, scums of the earth, we'd like to sweep these people into the gutter, or if already in the gutter, to some other out of the way place. Oh we have our reasons. They're depressing, their ragged clothes, they're crazy, they smell bad. So every year on one conscience salving day, we toss these people, a bone. A turkey bone. And that's supposed to make it all better."


Episode 12: Bart The Daredevil
"Now let me start by saying, good for you, son! It's always good to see young people taking an interest in danger. Now a lot of people are going to be telling you you're crazy, and maybe they're right. But the fact that the matter is, bones heal, chicks dig scars, and the United States of America has the best doctor to daredevil ratios in the world!"


Episode 13: One Fish Two Fish Blowfish Bluefish
"Simpson, eh? I want him in my office at 9:00 Monday morning. We'll see who eats whose shorts."


Episode 14: Itchy And Scratchy And Marge
"They love, and share. They share and love and share. Love, love, love, share, share, share. The Itchy & Scratchy Show!"


Treehouse Of Horror Finale: Treehouse Of Horror
"Quoth the raven: Eat my shorts."

A group of a little over a dozen of us have been watching the Star Trek In Significantly Fewer Seasons (how many? who knows? they Keep Making Star Trek series!), and it's been a blast. One of the regular co-viewers, Valerie asked me last night if I was ever going to do one for X-Files, and I thought "Man, I tried watching all of X-Files at some point, and something stopped me from following through and watching them all. I wonder what it was."

A coma. Not caused by aliens or demons or werecreatures, as far as I know. 

I decided to do a Best 100 Episodes of X-Files, making ten seasons of ten episodes, but it would have been slightly padded. The X-Files, like The Simpsons, and really any show that goes on for too long, becomes a victim of The Law Of Diminishing Returns. I'll take about that when I get to later seasons.

This first season of my Ten Season version of X-Files doesn't even quite contain the original first season, as we have to set up a ton of mythology (which, I need you to inhale deeply, count to ten, ok, let it all out) is only going to get slightly resolved, and that resolution will not be at the end of the series), and really get to know Mulder and Scully.

Episode 1: Pilot
(Mulder, Scully, Smoking Man, Scott Blevins, Billy Miles)

Fox Mulder is a cuckooo pants, conspiracy theorizing, FBI agent who thinks aliens are real and that they kidnapped his kid sister. So he spends his time investigating the weirdest, unsolvable crimes in the division, referred to as The X-Files. His bosses are like "Woah, slow down there Professor Paranoia." and assign a By The Books, Squaresville scientist named Dana Scully to debunk all of his theories and try and solve the crimes rationally. This is the story of how they become friends!


Episode 2: Deep Throat
(Mulder, Scully, Deep Throat)

No, pervs, not the porn. A reference to the Watergate Informant. Mulder has a friend in the agency who helps him connect conspiratorial dots. In this episode, it's all about flying saucers!


Episode 3: Squeeze
(Mulder, Scully, Tooms, Briggs)

No, fans of 1970s British pop, not the dudes who sang "Tempted". A reference to someone constricting themselves to fit in a tight space. Mulder and Scully investigate some murderages that can't be explained, and run into the series' first Monster Of The Week.


Episode 4: Ice
(Mulder, Scully)

No, diamond thieving meth heads, this is about frozen water. It's kind of a "What If The Thing monster was much, much smaller, and therefore more menacing?"


Episode 5: Fallen Angel
(Mulder, Scully, Deep Throat, Max Fenig)

No, Buffy-fans, I know you've had a terrible year finding out about Joss Whedon, and all, but this isn't a fun crossover between two of the 90s best sci-fi shows.  It's about UFOs and alien abductions, so, you know, an early X-Files episode.


Episode 6: Eve
(Mulder, Scully, Deep Throat)

No, Bette Davis devotees, this has no relation to the classic 1950s movie. This is about clones. Like "Orphan Black", kinda, sorta. You know?


Episode 7: Beyond The Sea
(Scully, Mulder)

We're pretty far into the run of the first season, and it's time to see what happens when Scully wants to believe something, and Mulder is like, "Nah, Really?"


Episode 8: EBE
(Mulder, Scully, Deep Throat, The Lone Gunmen)

Are we still doing UFOs and alien abductions? Really? Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. Well, in this episode we meet The Lone Gunmen, a group of other conspiracy theorists who are interesting, but not, like, interesting enough to have their own series or anything.


Episode 9: Darkness Falls
(Mulder, Scully)

Oh, I'm a Lumberjack and I'm ok. I work all night and then I disappear completely with no explanation. Where did I go? *tune changes* Where have all the lumberjacks go-one?


Episode 10: Tooms
(Mulder, Scully, Smoking Man, Skinner, Tooms, Briggs)

We wrap up the first season with our first returning villain, our returning menacing supervillain, and the introduction of a new recurring character. 

Roseanne Barrnoldargent has spent most of the last few years ruining the hard work she did in the 80s and 90s, making the most realistic American sitcom of the 20th century. While the original run of the series had its ups and -- hooooboy -- some very deep downs, it was mostly a well-written family comedy. John Goodman, Sara Gilbert, Laurie Metcalf, and even Roseanne were dextrous enough to be funny while still injecting drama without reaching Melodrama. For the most part, the show has been about being progressive and understanding no matter what your political background. It was about acceptance, and being good to each other, especially your family, no matter what. That's why Roseanne's plummet into right wing celebrity loon was such a disappointment to the fans of her blue collar past.

This season begins over twenty years after the last episode we saw. Ths kids are now all grown up with children of their own. American has become a more divided nation, politically, and I saved all of you from seeing a single episode of one of The Worst Seasons Of Television Ever because it doesn't matter to continuity. You're welcome.

Episode 1: Twenty Years To Life

This is probably my least favorite episode of the continuity. I hate the cartoonishness of politics in this episode, but it's necessary to see where all the characters have landed twenty years later, and it's, honestly, a little easier to watch in 2021 than it was in 2018. Meet Darlene's kids. And DJ's kids. And find out what sad things have happened to this family in the intervening years.


Episode 2: Roseanne Gets The Chair

No, this isn't the final episode before Roseanne gets fired. It's about a chair lift. And Etsy, and other things unlikely to be the focus of a TV episode in the 1990s.


Episode 3: Darlene Vs David

Oh, look, Mr. Big Bang Theory is back, and he's a negligent father! And, My Gods, Bev is still alive? And still keeping the storyline from "Body By Jake" going strong? Bra-vo.


Episode 4: Netflix & Pill

After discovering Roseanne is hoarding medication for her bad knees, Dan urges her to get surgery.


Episode 5: Keep On Truckin'

Holy Shit. Roseanne dies offscreen? Yeup. A drug overdose wipes out the show's matriarch, and Darlene and Dan must do whatever it takes to keep the family together.


Episode 6: Miracles

Death and birth usually go hand in hand, and sure enough, Becky is pregnant. And Darlene gets a new job.


Episode 7: O Sister Where Art Thou?

Darlene and Becky end up having to hash out some old trauma, much in the same way Roseanne and Jackie used to before the time jump.


Episode 8: A Kiss Is Just A Kiss

Darlene's child, Mark, gets in trouble for kissing another boy. Meanwhile, Darlene appears to be cheating on her boyfriend with her ex-husband. And Becky fears she's too old to be a good mom.


Episode 9: Lanford, Lanford

A quick kibosh is put on the Love Triangle aspect of the show, Dan has his first post-Roseanne girlfriend, and Becky stays sober.


Episode 10: Slappy Holidays

Ooooh, a Thanksgiving episode! Just like old times. Lots of family melodrama. Someone moves back into the house, and someone else gets slapped!

Roseanne Barrnoldargent has spent most of the last few years ruining the hard work she did in the 80s and 90s, making the most realistic American sitcom of the 20th century. While the original run of the series had its ups and -- hooooboy -- some very deep downs, it was mostly a well-written family comedy. John Goodman, Sara Gilbert, Laurie Metcalf, and even Roseanne were dextrous enough to be funny while still injecting drama without reaching Melodrama. For the most part, the show has been about being progressive and understanding no matter what your political background. It was about acceptance, and being good to each other, especially your family, no matter what. That's why Roseanne's plummet into right wing celebrity loon was such a disappointment to the fans of her blue collar past.

This is the first season where I've had to be very selective about continuity. During this era Roseanne was revealed to be pregnant again, and had a fourth child. And then the show went super zany. Then it went off the air. And when it returned two decades later, the fourth child was nowhere to be found. So, apart from a couple of throwaway lines, which we'll consider Weird Jokes, her pregnancy doesn't appear, and we can just pretend any baby who appears on screen is Jackie's.

Episode 1: Rear Window

It's been a while since we've seen any neighbors in The Conners' neighborhood. Maybe the new ones will spark some new sensations in the family.


Episode 2: Happy Trailers

Becky and Mark move out. Again. This time into a cozy little trailer park.


Episode 3: The Blaming Of The Shrew

DJ's new girlfriend is a total top. And Fred and Jackie go to a marriage counselor.


Episode 4: Sherwood Schwartz, A Loving Tribute

We've skipped most of the Roseanne goes to fantasy land episodes of the show. They're usually tedious. But in this one, the cast of Roseanne ends up living out an episode of Gilligan's Island. And then the tables turn as the cast of Gilligan's Island ends up living out a scene from Roseanne.


Episode 5: December Bride

We've also skipped most of the wedding episodes of the show. But when Leon and Scott decide to tie the knot, Roseanne ruins everything with her, for once, good intentions.


Episode 6: The Thrilla Near The Vanilla Extract

Roseanne and Jackie feud in the supermarket over a job neither really wants while Dan and Mark feud at home over DJ's affection, which neither of them really needs.


Episode 7: Another Mouth To Shut Up

Ok, we're avoiding Roseanne's pregnancy and child, but it's time for her to come to terms with being a grandmother!


Episode 8: The Wedding

Darlene and David decide to get married, and it just about kills someone.


Episode 9: Heart And Soul

The Conners recuperate in the hospital, where Darlene and David have a scaled down reception.


Episode 10: Fights & Stuff

Is this the way it all ends? Dan and Roseanne have their most severe fight ever, and one of them decides to walk out on the family.