Virus Comin At'choo!

The file attachment said "Downloadable Virus". I downloaded it simply because I wanted to support truth in advertisement. And while I've heard of viruses that do horrible things like delete your harddrive, give your dogs worms, e-mail kiddie porn to your parole officer, or give you AIDS, the "Downloadable Virus" virus is different. As soon as it was done downloading, all of the plot points and non-penetrative shots were cut from my porn collection.

Usually, I leave my computer running for weeks on end. My computer repairman says it's good for my computer. He tells me this every month when I go in to have him fix whatever's wrong with it. For whatever reason, last night I turned my computer off. When I turned it on this morning, it was a completely different machine.

Instead of a crappy 1995 Packard Bell Statesman, it was a Dell XPS that's so large it doesn't have to access The Internet, it actually has the entire Internet inside it.

Have you ever been to one of those technology museums where they have pictures or scale models of The Univac? The entire Univac could fit in the cooling system of the Dell XPS. But unlike the ugly 1950s dinosaur reel to reel look of the Univac, the Dell XPS has the a futuristic blue look that just screams “Look at me, I’m almost as trendy and cool looking as a Mac!”

The XPS turned on instantly when I turned it on, unlike my Statesman which took approximately six hours to load through Windows 3.1. All of my icons were alphabetized, and all the useless programs like Microsoft Internet Explorer, Microsoft Office, and well, anything with Microsoft in their name were deleted.

This Downloadable Virus was the best thing to happen to my computer since they invented Lemmings.

I decided to send a copy to everyone in my contacts folder. When I clicked on the send button, the computer actually told me who would and wouldn’t bother to even read my e-mail. Wow, technology is astounding.

The only downside to the virus that I’ve discovered so far is that it doesn’t allow pop ups. How will I know how to spend my money if I’m not constantly barraged with Lava Life Dating Service, and Sovereign Bank ads?

The reason why I’m writing about this, is that if I can get four thousand more people to download “Downloadable Virus,” I will get a free iPod. Despite their cool, pink minimalist ads, I’m not sure what an iPod is, but I iMagine iT must be cool iN order for iT to have a liTtle i at the beginning of it. Does anyone know what the i stands for? It can’t be Internet, because Internet is always capitalized, which is weird because according to our Yale graduate President there are several internets. Who decided which one got the capital? I mean if we had two presidents, would one be a president, and the other a President? Now that I think about it, after our last completely legitimate, no funny stuff at all election, I remember a bunch of people referring to bush as the Resident. Maybe I misread those bumper stickers and t-shirts, maybe it said pResident. mAybe tHere’s mOre tO tHis cApitalization tHing tHat i’M nOt cLever eNough to uNderstand.

Anyway, if any of you have time to help me get the iPod thingie (it kind of looks like a hearing aid, not one of those cool little Miracle Ear things, but one of those huge old Game Boy sized things that death people had to wear in ancient times), I’d really appreciate it. I really want to be as cool as this guy.

In other exciting e-mail news, I got an e-mail from Geneology.com that says they can trace the Safemode family all the way back to the Civil War. This is really cool because I thought I made the name up. Apparently I just appropriated someone else’s legitimate last name. The legitimate last name of a descendant of one of those brave men and woman who battled the British in the Civil War. I feel really guilty about this. I’m thinking about finally just coming out and giving my real name in this journal. Stay tuned!

Speaking of (actually it’s more like “typing of”, aren’t I clever) staying tuned. I was totally enamored by the pResidential debates this week. That Bush is a fantastic public speaker. He has that je ne say kwa, whatever that means, that makes me believe every word that comes out of his mouth. And he keeps his emotions so carefully guarded. He must be a hell of a good poker player. Kerry, on the other hand, strikes me as a bit of a spoiled rich kid. He didn’t have to work his way up through the ranks of the metal class the way Bush did. All he has to do is snap his fingers and Teresa Hunt’s gives him fifty-seven varieties of money to spend on all those negative TV ads from the Swiss veterans.

Those Swiss are so shifty. How can you trust a bunch of people known only for their meatballs and massages? My mom tells me that Sweden is the biggest province in France, and we all know how shifty those French Nazis are. They’re pancakes, just like sEnator Kerry.

Well, I have to go now. I have this really kewl idea for a Snape/Sirius/Hermoine/Frodo/Dax fanfic that’s going to totally change the world of dribble. When I’m done, Hairy Potter fans aren’t going to be able to sit for a week, and not because they got their asses kicked by the audio/video kids.

Oh, before I go, someone in nonsensicals posted something about me being a troll. I happen to take great pride in how well trimmed my body hair is. Is it possible that troll refers to my habit of cruising for gay sex under bridges, or is this one of those trendy new internet terms that I’m not privy to?

Oh well, as the late grating Maury Povich said, Until Next Time America!