The last time I placed a personal ad, I got about six responses from people who weren’t folically challenged married men. In fact, most of them were written by seemingly friendly, cute, young guy guys. I whittled the candidates down to two. My first choice was -- uhh, I never got his name. Whatever his name was, his e-mails were really polite. Almost absurdly polite. I got the impression he was some sort of subservient bottom slave. The other candidate was Derek. Derek was a cute Asian guy who decided, the previous night, that he was gay. He wasn’t up for anything very exciting, he just wanted to come over and jerk off with another guy. Candidate #1 wanted to get fucked. Sorry, Derek, tell him what he’s won Roddy. Today’s runner up receives CVS brand plastic ware and a dozen naked photos of Ed Asner.
For our winner, we have my phone number.
Candidate #1 called my house using a blocked number. Shady shady shady. He was at work and was whispering in a very cute accent. He expressed his desire to just come over to the house and get fucked. No conversation, no promise of a second coming, he didn’t even want to get off. Well, I did have a date tonight, so I thought if I took #1 up on his offer, I would be tension free during the date.
He got out of work in three hours, and asked if I had any rubbers. Rubbers. I can’t even type that word without feeling British. Imagine the phrase “Would you be so kind as to purchase some rubbers” being said in a fairly effeminate Pakistani accent. Awwww. Ain’t colonization a bitch?
#1's picture was hot. Young guy on the beach, nice body, nice smile. Lust at first site. Too bad it wasn’t him.
I suppose it’s possible that it was him ten years ago, but he’d put on a bit of weight (not enough to be offputting...I like mildly chubby guys as much as non-bony thin guys), and he had clearly aged. Alot. If he was 24, then I was 19.
Before I could second guess my decision, we were in my room and getting naked. He was wider than I was, but about the same length, and much hairier than he was in the beach photo. C’est la vie.
He had a very nice butt. Nothing I would cut off and put on my headboard, but it was round, and it was there. After some lubrication and fingering, I was ready. We tried several positions before I was comfortable. This was the first time having sex on my new bed, and it’s not ideal for moderately heavyset Pakistani bottoms. I was in and out more than Anne Heche (it’s an old reference, but what can you do?). After about twenty minutes, my phone rang. I wasn’t going to pick it up, but it got frustrating as about four people decided that this afternoon was the ideal time to call me. About thirty minutes into the fucking, Old What’s His Fuck informed me that his ass was burning from the inside. I’d used a ton of lube, and frankly I’m not big enough to cause tremendous ass pain. Especially to someone who is a practicing bottom.
I asked if he wanted to try oral. He didn’t do oral. Wonderful.
I’m past the point in my sex life where jerking off with a random stranger turns me on. Especially a random stranger whose picture was much cuter than his reality. He began clumsily jerking me off. I envisioned myself chafing, and put a stop to it.
We’d been going about forty-five minutes when my roommate came home. You’d think that would be a mood killer, but it was a relief. There was a closed door between us. I got the idea that The Guy wanted to leave. I would have been completely ok with that. I was barely hard.
“If it is not too much trouble, I would like to see you come.” Did this guy learn manners from the kid on Johnny Quest? Yeesh. It was probably the cutest thing about him.
“If you bend over--”
“It burns from the inside.”
I explained that I could do very nice things to his bottom without actually penetrating. And so I did. It still took me another fifteen minutes and about eleven different fantasy asses to reach climax. I came like a porn star.
I finished him off. He came like a sixteen year old boy on round #8 on a Sunday hand marathon.
He made me go out and talk to my roommate while he got dressed and snuck out of the house.