On our first date (which took place in my bedroom, which is always a good sign), we spent a couple of hours talking about the unsexiest things we could think of. That time, a decade ago, when I had kidney stones. His recent treatment for rectal cancer. Getting The Applause from MisterHotPostiveLoad. The fact that Zach (the new guything...which is an incredible step up from the previous boything) has also slept with MisterHotPositiveLoad, but he didn't get The Applause. But he did get crabs. "And not hermit crabs." He said. "Alaskan King Crabs. The bitches braided my pubes with one claw, and tickled my ass with the other. These were some seriously gifted crabs."
Is it wrong that I was turned on by our conversation?
I assumed our discussion was leading nowhere. That I wasn't his type. Who talks about STDs and medical mishaps as foreplay?
I was so shocked by his tongue, and the feel of his hands on my face (though, that had a bit to do with my having shaved off my beard for the first time in fourish years), that I banged my head against the wall next to my bed.
And, of course, my sheets and bedspread got all twisted and misplaced before we were even doing anything interesting with our bodies. And thanks to my roommate's inner-senior citizen, our house is always incredulously cold (heat's expensive! wear a sweater!). So when Zach said I should probably get the condoms, I got my right ankle all twisted in the covers, and whoof! Down I went on the marble floor, which was not what I'd intended to go down on.
I got up, uninjured, secured condoms and lube, and we got into the sex.
And it was good.
A couple of days later, we were invited to one of my friend, Emily,'s parties. Zach, being the only person I've ever maybedated that she has ever approved of.
On our way home, he got real quiet, and said, "I have something to tell you."
And, certainly he couldn't be into me, I'm not his type, he felt sorry for me; these could be the only things he'd have to say. I recognized his tone of voice.
I was thinking Sexual Karma 76, Self-Esteem 0.
"There's no way for this to come out right." God damn it. "My doctor wants me to thank you."
"Well, you know, I have the whole rectal cyst thing, and...well...since you fucked me, I had the first solid stool I've had in six months."
So. Very. Awkward. And yet, somehow adorable.