Proposing Marriage To Strangers 101
Like most Introductory Courses, we begin with a thesis statement. By the end of this course, I expect you will be able to walk up to someone you barely know and tell them you love them. You will fall in love with a laugh, the way he makes eye contact with a squirrel and doesn’t even break it when he rests his hands on the small of your back, the way she makes the word “fuck” have three syllables. You will learn to say “I love you” before you know your betrothed’s name. You will learn to actually be in love before, and despite, all those wonderful imperfections that lead to annoyance, arguments, divorce, and, ultimately love. You will realize that while “no” means “no”, “you’re crazy” means “not yet, but soon”.
Week One, Forgetting the Complications of Previous Love Experience: During this class we will discuss why none of your past relationships were actually love. We will tear pages out of your photo albums, and smash all your When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, The English Patient, and all those other nonsensical “love” DVDs.
Week Two, Determining Your Type, Then Overcoming It: We will discuss your fetishes, and why they’re wrong. You will learn to forget about hair styles and skin types and how much money people make, and learn to only follow the exquisite twist of stomach and the tingle of hair.
Week Three, Dropping Pick Up Lines in Favor of Honesty: This is not a week to fuck with the professor. Listen, learn. Pick up lines only work on prissies and prostitutes.
Week Four, Field Trip to End All Field Trips: Bring a lunch or money to buy a lunch. You’ll all be blindfolded and dropped off at various parts of the city. The weather will be ideal for love. It may be snowing, or sunny, or raining cats and locusts. Whatever it will be will be perfect. You won’t know where you are. You will be lost and dizzy. This is what love feels like. While you’re pondering this (s)he will catch your ears, your eyes, your nose, your arms. You won’t need a diploma. The only degrees you’ll get are from the fever. Class difuckensmissed.