I Shall Name My Firstborn David Byrne

Rude child enters the store, grabs a book from the shelf, and yelps as she plops down in the middle of the floor. Something about this is familiar.

Ah, yes. Dipshit Father comes in next.

DSF starts pipcking up books on the table. "I was supposed to get this in my subscription I haven-"

Me: "It's Monday. New books come in on Monday for Wednesday. We've talked about this many times."

DSF: "Oh yes."

He keeps pawing through the books.

Annoyed Daughter picks up a Raina Tegelmeir book and starts reading.

DSF: "Do you want me to buy that f--"

AD: "I DON'T WANT TO BUY IT! I AM JUST READING IT!"

DSF: "THIS ISN'T A LIBRARY. IT'S A BOOKSTORE! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF--"

AD: "DAD I'M JUST READING IT. YOU NEVER LET ME DO ANYTHING I WANT TO DO. I HATE YOU!"

This exact scenario has happened here before.

There's more screaming. Then whispering. Then they walk to separate parts of the store.

Later, the daughter starts pawing at a Vampirella comic on the table.

DSF: "YOU CAN'T TOUCH THAT! It's not for sale yet."

Me: "It's fine. You can look it. I just can't sell it yet."

AD: "See, DAD. I'm not going to BUY IT. I just wanted to look at her costume. IT'S SEXY."

DSF: "NO SEXY COMICS."

I walk away to work on the computer and be out of their bickering range.

When they are done wandering around the store, occasionally yelling at each other, DSF comes up to the counter and puts down a book. Then, in tune to the Talking Heads song that's playing he shouts "I CAN'T SING OR PLAY MUSIC. I SUCK AND EVERYONE HATES ME BUT I KEEP RECORDING MUSIC EVEN THOUGH I CAN'T SING BECAUSE I'M AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWFUL."

Me: "That will be thirteen dollars and eighty cents."

DSF: "What about my subscr--"

Me: "Your subscription discount is for books you pre-order. We've talked about this before. You are NOT getting a discount for anything that isn't from your folder."

DSF: "I should just put this in my folder until next time then."

Me: "That's not how it works."

DSF: "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE MUSIC BUT I WON'T STOP ANNOYING PEOPLE WITH MY HORRIBLE VOICE."

Random Loiterer: "Could you please stop screaming? It's really frustrating."

DSF, sarcastically: "I'm reeeeeeeeeeeally sorry."

Me: "You need to leave. Like, right now."

DSF: "Oh, ok. DAUGHTER'S NAME. WE HAVE TO GO."

AD, quietly: "I hate you so much."

They, along with an older brother who kept so much distance from both of them, that I hadn't even realized he was in the store, go up the stairs.

RL: "Oh my god. Are you ok?"

Me: "Yea. I was going to ask the same of you. I'm really sorry you had to be there for that."

RL: "Those poor kids. That guy is .. I don't even know."

Me: "He's here every month or so. Sometimes with his kids, sometimes alone. He's always unpleasant, but that was extreme, even for him. I sincerely hope he doesn't have custody of those kids, and that they only have to endure him on weekends and holidays."

​Then I went back to counting books, and they went back to looking at books until the store filled up with other delightful people.