For a few years, I've been the maintainer of a Livejournal Community called Bad_Sex. For part of that time, I diligently read every entry until I couldn't imagine why people had any sex at all. The following was borne of a week long editing of that community. No, it didn't really happen:
Bad sex is your first time. I was in middle school and decided I really didn't want to be a virgin anymore. I had this really good friend, let's call her Chanukah (name withheld to protect the guilty LOL). Hannuka was kind of fat (I hope she doesn't read this), but I'm on the heavy side, too, so I can't really talk. Anyway, one weekend my parents and social workers were out of town, and Chanuka and I decided to pop our cherries.
The thing about Hannukah is that she's kind of crazy, but I figured it was a chance to get laid. And you know how guys are always thinking with their little head. LOL. So Chanukkah and I were in my bedroom, and she started taking her clothes off, and she had the hariest bush. I took off my clothes, pulled my machete off my wall and hacked my way through her pubic jungle. Oh my goD, the smell. She was like totally tuna down there. Before I could protest, she grabbed my head and started pushing my chin into her cavernous twat. This girl was loose. I could have fit my whole head in there.
"I want you to polish my pearl." she said. All I could think was how much easier this would be if I had a scuba mask and a snorkel.
Just as I was about to get my lick on, I noticed a piece of string sort of hanging out of her left labial fold. "Whoops!" she said, flushed red, "I must have forgotten to take out my tampon." I leaned back as she dug around with her huge fingers and pulled it out. Just as it came out, she let out this huge queef, and then a wave of blood came at me like that scene in The Shining.
I was majorly grossed out, and told her I was not going to be going down on her. She was like, "whatever fuck me then."
Well first I put the condom on the wrong way. Then, once I got it on right, I started really going at her doggy style when the bed broke, and my parents, a police officer and The Pope came home. Boy was that embarrassing.
My parents grounded me for like three days, and I wasn't allowed to hang out with Chanucka or any other girls for a month.
Not one to be easily deterred, I snuck out that night and went over to my friend Jae's house. Jae and I had been friends since I was five, but we'd never had any feelings for each other. We were watching Police Academy 7, and downing a bottle of Goldschlager when we started making out. He was a terrible kisser. I should have known he was going to be terrible in the sack, but what can you do, I was horny.
So we started taking off each others' clothes, and I noticed that Jae had a dick the size of my pinky, and the circumference of a pencil. I stifled a giggle. I hadn't planned on going down on him, but he was so small, that I couldn't give him an effective handjob.
I was three licks into fellatio when he was like "I'm gonna..." and then he farted. I started to laugh when he spurted come right in my eye.
He apologized for it, but I was like wtf. It looked like I had pinkeye.
Once I'd washed my eye out, he asked if he could go down on me. I was like, "yea, you at least owe me a blowjob" and he was all like ok. I guess he'd never sucked a dick before, because he kept grazing me with his teeth. I told him to stop before he started taking off skin.
He said he still felt really bad about the whole come in the eye thing, so he asked if I would like to fuck him. I really wanted to get off but when he bent over I could see that he hadn't wiped in like forever. I was about to start putting my clothes back on when Hannika came in without knocking. I guess she had let Jae borrow her biology book, and she needed it back. She started yelling at me and at Jae but I was like so past caring that I just walked by her and went back home.
I didn't even get to come. That was the worst sex evar.