The guy used a fake pic (obviously), lied about his age (which was unnecessary, he wasn in his 40s, not his 90s), and spent almost the entire time texting other people on his phone.
SuperBore: "Do you have any gum?"
SB: "I like to blow bubbles. It turns me on."
SB: "Do you have any fetishes?"
Me: "Not really. But I'm open to others'."
SB: "I like to have my feet rubbed. It turns me on."
Me: "So your ideal night is chewing gum during a pedicure?"
Me: "Because you like gum and having your feet rubbed."
HELLA LONG HORRIBLE SILENCE.
Me: "I see you're wearing a PGA shirt, do you work at a golf course?"
SB: "No. I just went to an event for work. It was fun."
Me: "What did you do?"
SB: "Stood around and watched people golf."
HELLA LONG HORRIBLE SILENCE.
Me: "Well, you said you wanted to hang out in the hot tub. Want to jump in?"
SB: "I didn't bring a bathing suit."
Me: "I see. Well, do you want to grab lunch, or go somewhere?"
SB: "I like hanging out here." Texting on my phone while not contributing to the conversation.
Me: "What do you do for fun?"
SB: "I go to the parks."
Me: "Which one is your favorite?"
SB: "Lands of Adventure. Animal Kingdom. Epcot."
Me: "What's your favorite part of Epcot?" I asked a grown fucken man texting on his phone.
AWKWARD HORRIBLE SILENCE.
Me: "What time are you meeting your friend?"
SB: "Five thirty?"
Me: "Is it a long drive to get there?"
AWKWARD HORRIBLE SILENCE.
SB: "I guess it's an hour."
Me: "Who are you texting?"
Me: "Well, as fun as this is..."
SB: "Do you read?"
Me: "Yes. Do you?"
SB: "I used to. Now I only do it for work."
Me: "Who did you used to read?"
SB: "Stephen King."
Me: "Oh, I did an in-depth reading of The Dark Tower chronology last year." I spend about two minutes talking about the Stephen King project, with occasional pauses, hoping he'll have something interesting to say.
SB: "I didn't read those."
Me: "What did you read?" Obviously not social cues.
SB: "I don't know. I think I'm going to go pack to meet my friend."
Me: "I bet she's looking forward to seeing you."
SB: "She is a lot of fun."
Me: "I bet."
Rando on Grindr: "Hey. How are you?"
Me: "Good thanks. You?"
Me: "Do you have a face pic?"
RoG: "Sorry. I'm straight."
Me: "You're a straight guy messaging people on Grindr?"
RoG: "I run a naked gromming" (sic) "business. I meet my clients here. I thought you were someone else."
Me: "You're a straight guy who runs a naked grooming service messaging random gay guys on Grindr, but pointing out that you're straight?"
RoG: "Yes. It is a straight gromming service."
Me: "Grooming or gromming? Is gromming one of those straight things that gay people don't know about?"
RoG: "Gromming. Like hair and nails."
Me: "For pets?"
RoG: "Only for straight."
Me: "Only for straight pets? That seems like an arbitrarily homophobic policy. But gay guys can bring their straight pets in to be grommed by a naked straight guy? I think I need to contact the authorities about this. None of it sounds legal."
Then he blocked me.
As I mentioned in a poem earlier this year "I deleted all my dating apps for good. I don't mean forever."
Well, I reopened the worst of them, Grindr, when I got down here, and events played out as they do. Today, I avoided the app, and nobody sent any messages, and I got some work done.
When I went into the store to buy a new phone, the people working were super helpful. I got the phone I wanted for super cheap, I now have a Florida number (on my old phone) AND my usual number (on my new phone), until my plan runs out, at which point the Florida number will disappear.
While they transferred all of my contacts, texts, pics, etc from my old phone to the new one, Grindr exploded. And I forgot to turn off push notifications, so I kept seeing "(grindr logo) You have a new message!" "(grindr logo) You have been tapped!" "(grindr logo) You have a new message!" over and over and over.
Short story short,I stayed until just before closing and grabbed drinks with the guy from the cell phone store.
Dude I Once Met Via A Dating App I'm No Longer On: Hey. I didn't know you worked here.
Me: Yea. For about seven years.
Dude: Cool. I was hanging out at Peet's and saw that you were online. like 100 feet away, so I figured I stopped by.
Me: Um. I left my phone at home today.
Me: Also, I deleted that app months ago.
Dude: Weird. Must have been somebody who looked like you.
Me: Must. have. been.
Stranger Via Grindr: Hey.
Me: Hey. How's it going?
SVG: Good. What are you doing?
Me: Working. You?
SVG: What do you do for work?
Me: Enable Harvard students and professors with too much money and not enough financial discipline to relive their childhood and take out their frustration about their very lonely lives.
SVG: How big?
Me: How big is my job? Their childhoods? Harvard?
SVG: How big are you down there.
Me: Same height I am no matter where I'm working.
I don't know why I find it so funny when queer men Lie The Hell out of their age, but I do. Especially when they message me as though we don't know each other, as though their Grindr photo and their Facebook Profile pic weren't the same. Like, I KNOW you. I lived with your boyfriend while you were dating. You drank at my bar many times. If you were in your thirties then, you sure as Hell ain't in your twenties now. Also, I KNOW you. Your ass might be too drunk if you're sending me "U up?" messages like I'm---
Dude I Know But Have Never Had Any Non-Platonic Relationship With: "OMG Adam. Thought u were some1 else LOL."
Me: "I am in the process of dragging you on Facebook RIGHT NOW."
Me: "I'm not using your name."
DIK: "ok <whew>"
Me: "Did you by any chance buy a time machine lately?"
DIK: "whut? no? LOL"
Me: "Then how are you 24 now? Didn't you used to be 33 a couple of years ago?"
Me: "Am I wrong?"
DIK: "u got allzheimers"
Me: "I'm not the one who thinks he's a decade younger than he actually is."
DIK: "i kno how old i m LOL"
I put the phone down to type up a slightly altered version of our exchange (which you're reading, right now!).
DIK: "soooo....u up?"
Me: "Grindr says you're 2,000 feet away."
Me: "So did you just hear my eyes roll?"
Annoying Loiterer #1: Have you tried any of those nerd-focused dating apps? Jesse used Geek To Geek and met a really great guy.
Annoying Loiterer #2: I tried using a bunch of different apps, but none of those bitches ever e-mailed me back. For, like, no reason.
There Were Definitely Some Very Valid Reasons.
"Is that Drakkar Noir?"
"What year is this?"
In my spam folder this morning: "You got a wink from Sauron! (Asia)"
If I didn't know it was automated spam, I would write back: "How can you possibly tell when Sauron is winking from when Sauron is blinking?"
Pro Tip: When on a first date at a coffeehouse or restaurant, do not spend twenty minutes talking about how you couldn't find environmentally friendly lightbulbs for your apartment, so you sat in the dark for three months, punctuating the story with how you wanted to "have all of the babies" of the guy at the hardware store who helped you track down the lights you need, even though he was "too old for baby having".
Definitely don't epilogue the story about how you couldn't wait for the bulbs anymore so you figured "Fudge the environment, I don't plan on living long anyway."
While you go to the bathroom, your date will ask a total stranger to text him an "emergency text" so that he can leave without feeling especially guilty. And I will agree to help your date, feeling no guilt whatsoever.