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God came to the Serpent first and said "We shall have words" The serpent crawled in hieroglyphs: Mouth shut River overflowing Broken dam Fig tree Naked woman God was not Egyptian He tried to stomp the serpent flat As it danced around his feet 2. Rebuttal Buddha will not ascend Cleanliness is next to the river not godliness 3. Made for TV Movie Based on a True Story Fuck Michelangelo's old white man God is in Versace Kabbalah A Chaps Ralph Lauren tuxedo Luxotica eyewear Striding down the red carpet Joan Rivers' face melting under his glare 4. Fortune Cookie Cutters K'ung Fu Tzu won't tell you where heaven is Won't burn you in hell for who you love Gives advice in place of commandments Is the punchline to a million bigots' Chinese jokes 5. Effluvium The last time you spoke out of ignorance Your spittle evaporated into fog Clouded your vision Someone who overheard you took your words as gospel Preached them to their acolytes This is how plagues start 6. Every Religion Has An "I" In It, Even Atheism The first word was a prayer and a snooze It was probably a homonym A pun that no one understood Mouth shut Climbing out of ocean Fish with legs Man on a treadmill Dangling carrot Somewhere there's a tunnel with a burnt out bulb Current Mood: shoveling snow with my mind Link Leave a comment | 9 comments Thu, Jan. 29th, 2004 06:35 am (UTC) kattullusexcellent! Really fucking good! Best poetry I've seen from you in forfuckingever minor suggestions: In 3: Cut every line except: Watch God stride down the red carpet/Joan Rivers' face melting under his glare K'ung Fu Tzu --> Fu Manchu This is how plagues are started --> This is how it starts Link Thread - Reply Thu, Jan. 29th, 2004 06:39 am (UTC) akamuuThanks. Glad you liked it. I so don't want to cut out all of part 3. How about I just cut out the middle stanza? I can't replace Confucious with Fu Manchu. How about: This is how the plague starts. ? Link Parent - Thread - Reply Thu, Jan. 29th, 2004 07:49 am (UTC) kattullus: Re:how about: This is how a plague starts And point taken on Fu Manchu... I agree. And I still think that the first couplet of 3 is a bit too cheap in its effect. A bit too obvious. Link Parent - Thread - Reply Thu, Jan. 29th, 2004 07:54 am (UTC) akamuuHow about: This is how plagues start.? Also, for stanza 3, how about: ¿Fuck Michelangelo's old white man God's in Versace Kabbalah A Chaps Ralph Lauren Tuxedo Luxotica Eyewear Striding down the red carpet Joan Rivers' face melting under his glare? Link Parent - Thread - Reply Thu, Jan. 29th, 2004 11:42 am (UTC) kattullus: Re:Well, I like the singular better, but I won't fight you on that :) I don't think the God decked out in luxury clothing image is very effective. I find it kinda cheap and obvious. But if you're gonna keep it at least get rid of the 'Versace Kabbalah' bit. It certainly pales in comparison to the original last lines (I think this new version marrs the effect). Idea! How about something like: Removing his Luxotica Eyewear God strides down the red carpet Joan Rivers' face melting under his glare or God strides down the red carpet If he removes his Luxotica Eyewear Joan Rivers' face will melt under his glare Link Parent - Thread - Reply Thu, Jan. 29th, 2004 06:41 am (UTC) akamuu: Re:Just edited it to reflect the changes (in case someone else sees it and goes "what the fuck is Kattallus talking about?") Link Parent - Thread - Reply Thu, Jan. 29th, 2004 06:46 am (UTC) chris_wassI really enjoyed this. Link Thread - Reply Thu, Jan. 29th, 2004 06:50 am (UTC) akamuuDanke. Link Parent - Thread - Reply Thu, Jan. 29th, 2004 09:50 pm (UTC) kevinpattersonAwesome poem, unfortunately I am read it just before I went to bed and had nightmares about Joan Rivers melting the face. The Horror! The Horror! My favorite stanza's are 1 and 5. Link
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