I've reached a point with this poem where I can't tell whether it's worth the revision. This edit feels much tighter, but did I drain all the emotion out of it? Those of you who read the first draft I posted, is this an improvement, or should I just say fuck all and tidy up the almost original version?
Your Body Sulfur Potential You rolled my shoulders between your fingers Like you were a prisoner And I was the last cigarette before your execution Purple contact lenses The first streak of premature gray Lips cracking Precioso I never wanted you for your body But this morning I picked up the fact of your ashes Couldn't remember where to put them Your memory my religion Light reflecting off braces The paper I gave her Sulfur sweetbread Your mother used to bake me sweetbread and call me Precioso She didn't know you called me Precioso when I held you Your body the paper I gave her The promise of rebellion Last night I kept a promise I couldn't make Caught your reflection in your mother's eyes Let it go Told her she could keep the intangible concept of you Locked in knicknacks and photographs Straight Obedient Silent Her son who never loved me Your mother never sweetbread No longer Precioso with your last sulfur wish You wanted to be burned to ink Enough to fill every book on my shelf But the body doesn't burn to liquid So you became the paper we scribbled our names across Ink sulfur rebellion You always smelled like the potential of fire Never combusting into catty comebacks You took beatings because that was all some people had to give Your body broken by mother The last word she said to you was "faggot" She knew you were destined for flames Virus burning you from the inside Her words a scorchmark on the bridge of your nose Together we baked your faggot sulfur potential Into sweetbread she couldn't swallow You would not be buried Between the father who beat you And the mother you beat to the grave No closed casket circus For a God you no longer trusted You survived just enough time Made just enough will to make your last words clear "Here Mama If all I am to you is faggot Then let me burn" Rebellion I never wanted from your lips Your memory sulfur knicknack I couldn't remember the touch Of your fingers my shoulder Your lips my forehead Couldn't swallow the promise So I choked down your ashes with sweetbread tears Hoping I could feel you when I touched myself I never wanted to be your body Precioso I wanted to be the cigarette you rolled between fingers The light reflecting off your braces when you smiled Current Mood: between drafts Link Leave a comment | 7 comments Sun, Apr. 11th, 2004 09:04 pm (UTC) kevinpattersonTough choice, they are both good. Helpful aren't I? Regardless what you decide don't take out these lines... "You wanted to be burned to ink Enough to fill every book on my shelf But the body doesn't burn to liquid" But I am sure you already knew that. Link Thread - Reply Tue, Apr. 13th, 2004 10:05 am (UTC) akamuuThat's actually where the poem started. Glad you like itNow I've got to figure out how to make it work. Link Parent - Thread - Reply Mon, Apr. 12th, 2004 12:43 am (UTC) anseliciousfor whatever reason, every re-write you make of this I find more appealing on paper, and less appealing spoken. my advice (which isn't worth much, since I've been stuck on line 5 of the piece I'm writing for about 3 hours now) is to incorporate most of the original for slams/etc, and most of the newest version for your next chapbook. Link Thread - Reply Mon, Apr. 12th, 2004 03:12 am (UTC) akamuu: The Value of Your AdviceI think you're spot-on. I hate that what I like best on paper is often unappealing spoken-word wise. Such is life. I still haven't decided my plans for Wednesday night. I'm going to put it to fate. While I think being on a team with you, Simone, Eric, and The Ryk would be a great time with great writer/performers...probably more fulfilling than any non-Okoawo team I've been on, I'm loathe to give up on the LL. Of course, I may not make the LL. Oz, Iyeoka (who I think qualified last night..I didn't go), Inphynite (aka Marlon Carey), Tranzit Thawt (aka Chris Johnson), Star, J*Me, and Morris have all qualified and have stated their intentions to slam for the team. Eric Darby and Delisile have also qualified, but claim not to be going out for the LL team. Morris is also leaning towards Worcester. I'm tempted to go out for the second semis (I'm quaified for both) given that I've only lost two slams in the second half (one to Oz, the other to Eric), whereas I lost five in the first half (Star, Inphynite, Tranzit, Delisile, and J*Me). I should let all the people who beat me duke it out for the 4 spots in the first semis, hoping they use their best work already (both Oz & I had to do this last year just to make finals), and then try and coast through the 2nd finals. What with Iyeoka and J*Me being unable to slam 6 of their best pieces (oh, how I love the no-repeat rule) this should give some advantage to those of us who couldn't make the team last year. Of course, I have no intentions of slamming the pieces I did last year, but I like the knowledge that I could use them, should the need arise. So ends a long ram Link Parent - Thread - Reply Mon, Apr. 12th, 2004 03:13 am (UTC) akamuu: The Value of Your Advice Continuedbling response to your most recent two comments (so long, LJ had to splice it up). Look, Mamma, I'm multi-tasking. Link Parent - Thread - Reply Mon, Apr. 12th, 2004 04:29 am (UTC) anselicious: Breaking the continuity of this threadIyeoka did in fact qualify last night. By a fluke of math and aided by your rampant string of victories, I also accidentally qualified for the second LL semi-final, despite coming in either 3rd or 4th. I'm not entirely sure how. Equally inexplicable to me was the fact that a poem I resurrected with minimal revision from when I was 16, outscored my supposedly newer and more refined material handily. Link Parent - Thread - Reply Mon, Apr. 12th, 2004 05:21 am (UTC) akamuu: Re: Breaking the continuity of this threadDespite my love of the Lizard Lounge scene, I never let how well a poem does in that venue affect what I perform anywhere else. There's nights I've seen Iyeoka be on fire and lose to an abonimal performance of shitty poem about how good the poet was. There are nights when I've tried to lose, and won handily over a more deserving competitor. There were also nights I felt I was performing my best pieces to the best of my potential and lost to someone who stuttered through a poem about how stars are really far away. It's much easier to get a feel for how well people like your poetry at The Cantab. Provided there's an audience of more than three people for the slam.
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